Let’s Normalize Women Who Don’t Orgasm

Women are most likely familiar with the frustration of not experiencing an orgasm during sex. This can happen due to a variety of reasons and women can feel a variety of different ways about this but the feelings they should never be having are shame, frustration and sadness. Let me explain.

The difficulty of achieving a vaginal orgasm is pretty well known among most women. Just in the past month I’ve personally had conversations with some of my girlfriends where they shared how they’ve never had an orgasm with a stable partner or it’s a very hit-or-miss (mostly miss) experience when they meet a new person.

Between the societal pressure to “perform” while in the bedroom, the taboo that still exists around female pleasure, and the no-size-fits all reality to satisfaction this should come as no surprise. And let’s not even begin to talk about how some women still don’t know how to pleasure themselves or what they like in the bedroom at all, a majority of the time because of the way society restricts none-masculine masturbation even though it’s 2021.

Ultimately, this leads many women to experience such a burden when it comes to having sex that the concept of having an orgasm flies out the window. Sex without an orgasm is a reality for 62 % of heterosexual women and for 58% of bisexual women – apparently lesbian women have a better time with this, as 75% of them do report having orgasms during sex. Even then, these numbers are significantly lower than men’s by about 10%.

When The Independent spoke to a gynecologist about why this might be happening, Dr. Shree Datta detailed how there’s a long, varied and inclusive list of reasons. Some of them were mentioned earlier, such as societal pressure as well as a faulty physical stimulation. Other reasons Dr. Datta mentions are equally obvious but maybe less taught about such as medical conditions, alcohol intake, lack of body confidence, communication issues and mental well-being.

In my eyes it is very clear how all of these reasons can get tangled and create the worst possible scenario for a woman having an orgasm. If one is struggling with, for example, lack of body confidence before meeting a partner then you might think it’s a good idea to have a few drinks to “loosen up” and that could lead to issues. Same situation could take place if you’re struggling with mental health issues, and you drink to try to relax and feel better for a moment with your partner. On the other hand, if you don’t think you are an absolute queen then you could not feel comfortable expressing what you want in the bedroom, aka communication problems, which complicates having the perfect physical stimulation.

This can go on and on. And while everyone could experience any of these feelings and states, as 10-30% of men have experienced body dissatisfaction, women still experience it at a much higher rate of 20-40%, and that is only one of the factors.

We have established that it is not super common for women to experience vaginal orgasms during sex, but if we are talking about orgasms from penetrative sex , the numbers plummet down quickly. Researchers asked 2000 women about how their orgasms come to be, and only 18% of them stated they would achieve the big O with only penetration - 18%! The rest of them said that they either needed, essentially required, their clitoris to be stimulated either during penetration or as part of the sexual act itself.

With all of this in mind, it is so important to keep in mind that while orgasms are great, the lack of them does not mean that the experience of sex is not enjoyable and worth it. Even women who do regularly reach orgasms don’t have the luxury of crossing the arch every time, and that is okay.

As one woman wrote for Cosmo, the orgasm is just one pleasurable part of sex, and stimulation can feel amazing regardless. For many women, including myself, the best part of sex is not necessarily the orgasm but the intimate moment itself, and all the sensations surrounding the act. Kissing, foreplay, caresses – they all add to this great experience that you get to share with a partner. That makes it enough.

For those who can’t find a way to orgasm during sex, know that there is nothing wrong with you, you are not broken and you are not failing just because you can’t climax. You can try and change your approach to sex, communication and even positions you do but when and if those fail, that is okay. You and your experience are not any less valid than the one of a woman who does orgasm – and just remember, sex is meant to be enjoyed, that’s all.

Illustrations by Valentina Pérez